You Aren’t Enough

I hate to break it to you, but you aren’t enough. Honestly, you probably won’t ever be enough.

As defined by me, myself, and I, enough signifies that some thing, one, or state is adequate and sufficient. When we speak enough into existence it is overflowing and exhausting; breaking and relieving; fulfilling and finished.  The simple utterance of enough resonates with a listener that some thing, one, or state has reached its limit.

Therefore, by the definition within this journal entry, you are not enough and you may never be. Have you ever tried to explain life to a child? I have witnesses adults awkwardly and hesitantly attempting to explain something that has no words to touch upon its mystery. They will explain our lives as a fairy tale out of context or focus solely on the importance of education. What very few parents tell their children is that life by definition is a struggle.

Also, as defined by me, myself, and I, life is the holistic experience of unique occurrences. It manifests as a unique stream of moments, interactions, and lessons which inform the next moment, interaction, or choice. Life varies in time and form, gives to no one, and is always changing. Depending on who you are, where you are, and which station you were born into, the unique stream of moments will be significantly affected. Life is subjective. For some people, it is a gift, poison, a never ending lesson, or an interesting combination of all/ none of the above. It is undefinable and tentative.

Throughout life, you will find yourself trying to prove or not prove to some thing or one that you are enough. During various stages of your lived experience, you will be asked to show your value and accomplishments, in order to gain access to things that you aspire to be or do. As you master skills, systems, or processes, you will continue to ask yourself, “Am I enough?” You will encounter others who will attempt to dim what little light you have within you and make you feel as though you are not enough. You will encounter others who will lift you, challenge you, and help you to work harder towards being enough. You will hang some where in between “Life is what you make it” and “Life is what happens to you.” And the question of finally being enough will rise again.

I hate to break it to you, but you aren’t enough. Honestly, you probably won’t ever be enough. However, this does not mean that you are less than or inadequate. In defining enough, I can not confidently say that any one person on this Earth will ever reach completion, because it is immeasurable within life. We have been breed to think more about the end goal or what’s beyond the horizon. We have been trained to think “If I can just make it to Friday,” “If I remain still and quiet now, things will soon be better,” “If I continue to work hard and do what’s right, then I will be rewarded,” “I must master these things, so that I can die on a pile of money,” and “I will show them that I am better, stronger, smarter, enough.”

Somehow, you must realize that life is not a race, life is not controlled, and life is not the final scene in this play. Life is the process of pain, joy, lessons, and experiences. Life is happening all the time. Life truly is a holistic experience of unique occurrences which you are too busy working within to watch. You will go as briefly, unexpectedly, miraculously and without boundaries, as you came. Yes, some of us leave a mark on the world and end up in out of date textbooks which sum up that experience in a couple of pages. Yes, some of us create pieces and objects which are used by the next generation. Yet, there is always more to be done and more to be created. So no, you will never be enough; however, milking those good moments could be enough, if your goal was to smile…so transcend.

Best,

Cayla Jae

 

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What Time Frame Do You Think In?

Sometimes I get distracted by how many different components in life there are to juggle. There are personal battles, immediate obligations, possible opportunities, and the future person you are trying to become. Within each category, we have memories from the past, events occurring in the present, and unwritten narratives of the future. I’ve been pondering the various levels of this over this last month.

In an earlier post, I wrote about setting priorities as far as selecting the right career path to take; however, I think setting priorities is vitally important to this topic. Usually, I see people create a four cornered box in which the X axis is Urgent to Non-Urgent and the Y axis is Important to Non-Important. This exercise is extremely relevant, in that it focuses on improving Time Management skills. Yet, where this doesn’t help me is that I will always continue doing the immediate work (e.g. work assessments this week and setting doctor’s appointments). But I feel more limited in attempting to work toward those Non-Urgent goals which may or may not be super important for the now, but are of interest to me.

So with there only being 24 hours in a day, how much of that time is used reflecting on the past, acting in the present, and planning for the future? Though I have no answer for this, I have always been a person who’s planning for the future. I am always thinking about my next step or my destination, which leads to a number of anxiety, perfectionism, workaholism, and negative self-talk issues. The reason for all of this stress is that I do not take the time to breathe and rest. So I’m torn between being hungry for more and reaching what is “greatness” for me or being grounded in the immediate pressing assignments which ultimately seem like busy work.

I don’t want to stay in my past, because it wasn’t the most pleasant of memories and they’re uneditable. Yet, I take comfort in hovering over memories, because they give me information about the world and its people which help me navigate the present. I would love to say that I am an “in-the-present-moment” kind of person. I say this because it would mean that I give everything my full attention, I come through on my word to follow up with someone after networking, and I enjoy the youngest moment of my life. Yet, I am limited in this enjoyment because of past experiences and I’m always hoping that the future will be better. I feel that I shouldn’t stay in the future because some immediate things are quite important. So I have to think of what’s of higher importance: investing in that which gets me closer to being a stronger version of myself or being efficient and successful now.

I guess the semi-satisfying answer is that you just have to do what’s best for you. However, the focus should be on how all forms of time co-exist. There is a way to let the past inform my present and future without limiting my choices. There is a way to live in the moment while also growing. There is a way to plan for your future with information from the past and small successes in the present. I just have not found my balance yet. My highest priority is happiness which for me comes from creating, moments of solitude, great food, and great sleep. Because I choose me, my job become secondary (maybe tertiary most times) and those who don’t help me advance toward a specific goal aren’t as important. I just want to be comfortable and in a space that inspires me to create. I want to be in a space doing something that matters. Therefore, I constantly switch between time frames.

So this post is less of “advice” and more of a “question.” Which time frame do you think in? What is most important to you? How do you balance all the confusion which is our lived experience?

Best,

Cayla Jae