Tag: life

black and white image of mandala and floral design from sharpie

Busy Bees in the Spring

It’s been about a month since my last post. I have to be honest, I hadn’t even realized that 4 weeks passed because I’ve been leaving task list to task list on auto pilot for too long. Sound familiar? Let’s talk about how people praise Workaholism too much and often ignore their mental heath. Below are 6 things to consider.

  1. What’s Your Personality?

Before discussing what Workaholism is and its characters, let’s see where you are in terms of a personality set. Often when we speak about employees in the workplace, we classify some as Type A or B personality sets. However, there is a spectrum between the two in which certain characters can overlap in a variety of different ways. For the purpose of this blog post, Type A individuals are usually uptight, anxious, competitive, and perfectionists. On the other hand, Type B individuals are lax, calm, social, and satisfied. Stereotypically, Type A employees are seen as the overachievers who go for management positions, while Type B employees do the bare minimum and enjoy the journey. In this case, when it comes to Workaholism, it seems that the Type A individuals would have a greater chance of over working and being unsatisfied which could affect their holistic health. This is not to say that anyone in that category will have adverse health issues, but that depending on their character traits and tendencies, those actions could lead to risky behaviors. If you’d like to see which personality type you are, click here.

2. What Work Do You Do?

Once you’ve been honest with your tendencies and personality set, consider the demands of your job or career. More importantly, how does your line of work align with your personality set. So this isn’t a question of whether your job would be considered “hard,” “difficult,” nor “challenging” in the eyes of others, but subjectively…how much does your work drain you…or does it?

While I do not like extremes, if I were on the spectrum of Type A or Type B, I would hang out closer to the Type A side. I work to see things through to the end and I want the work that I put out to be great. I like things to be done a certain way and in an orderly fashion. I am the Queen of the never ending To Do List. I like to please and impress others, especially my bosses or supervisors. I have a reputation to uphold and I push myself to be the best.

With this in mind, when I work within an environment that is flexible, unpredictable, or draining, I am faced with a great challenge. I currently service as a facilitator which mean I teach “soft skills” or (how to be a decent human being) to 6-12 graders (and occasionally corporate groups). The very nature of this work is that my calendar can change throughout the day at any time. My site location is free flowing with people whose roles overlap. And every class or workshop I hold has a new set of faces, personalities and challenges with a size being anywhere from 6-30 participants. There are so many variables and at times so little notice that it is hard for me to be proud of my work, because I do not feel that I was at optimal performance.

3. What Are Your Priorities?

Almost every time I write a post about life or giving advice, I always ask this question. Because although our experiences are subjective, our priorities require us to think objectively sometimes. After reviewing your character traits and if it aligns with your line of work, you have to make a decision about what is most important. Is your family and their comfort important? Are you going on a trip in a couple of months that requires some preparation? Is completing your last work assignment to perfection life or death?

Think about your goals, hopes, and dreams. What comes first or is competing for that spot? My goal is to become financially stable and be in an environment that is healthful and encourages my creativity. I hope to touch lives through conversations, idea sharing, and modelling certain behavior. I do not have a dream, direction, or specific aim and that scares me. I can make a list of things that I like or enjoy, but I don’t know what the conclusion to my story would/ should look like.

Your priorities may be different and thinking about those might require a different career path or a shift in your personal set. So consider whether you encourage or resist change and why? Remember to stay objective when it comes to achieving that goal or satisfying your priorities.

4. What is Workaholism?

During my senior year in undergraduate, one of my research assignments focused on the Romanticism of Workaholism entitled “Discouraging Work Addiction”. I came to this topic because I was in my final year surrounded by students who were stressed about everything, depressed as a result of living like robots, underwhelmed with options for stress release, and under-impressed with the world surrounding us. Our main goal was to survive our final year walking the stage in one piece, even if that meant grabbing some duct tape and re-attaching our mangled limbs to our half functioning bodies. I always made my friends and co-workers promise that “If for some reason, I do not make it to the stage alive, place my diploma in my casket with all the signatures. I want proof of the blood, sweat, and tears that I endured while here. And if you don’t, I will haunt all of you in my afterlife.”

I wonder why now. In an earlier post, I wrote about the weight of college and the effect it took on me. I had not realized how traumatic those four years were in my life until I returned and was triggered. I experienced almost emotions and feelings like hopefulness, uncertainty, betrayal, fear, anxiety, apathy, atrophy, disjointed, determined, disgusted, depressed, and excited to move on. It was a terrible journey with highs and lows. It’s kind of like trying to find yourself in a sea full of mud and eventually someone hands you a straw so you can breathe.

However, the thing that kept me there was my Workaholism. The word was originally meant to mimic Alcoholism, but is not seen as a character defect within our society (Robinson, 1996, p.447). For example, alcoholics feel an internal motivation to drink excessive amounts of alcohol with time. Alcoholics place the need for the bottle over the need to seek help with life stresses, maintain good physical health, and connect with family in a positive way. While alcoholics have a culturally negative association with their addiction, workaholics are admired for the same association with work. Workaholism is defined by a combination of “high in work involvement, being driven or compelled to work by inner pressures, and low enjoyment at work” (Kanai, 2009, p.213). So there’s this push and pull with wanting to be the best and put in the most hours with a never ending To Do List and not attending to all aspects of ones health.

Work addicts usually fall under the Type A personality which speaks to their ambition, logic, and competitive nature (Robinson, 2014, p. 91). People with Type A personality traits also score high on anxiety, hostility, and anger (Robinson, 2014, p. 91). Meanwhile, these strong traits are connected to a “decreased self-esteem and perceived control”(Robinson, 2014, p. 129). Though these individuals may appear to be put together and on top of things, they actually have significant levels of poor self-esteem and self-doubts. These addicts begin to view their success and self-worth based on their accomplishments. The ten qualities used to determine a work addict, as posed by Robinson (1996), are as follows: Time Urgency, Need to Control, Perfectionism, Difficulty with Relationships, Work Binges, Difficult Relaxing and Having Fun, Burnouts, Impatience and Irritability, Self-Inadequacy, and Self-Neglect.

5. What’s This Got To Do With Depression and Anxiety?

With high work demands, need for perfection, and difficulty relaxing, comes less time to recenter, build meaningful relationships, and disable your flight, fight, or freeze signals. Being consumed by the demands of work can lead to unhealth eating habits, irregular sleeping patterns, less physical active or experience that which gives you job (unless work is joy, but I think everything is great in moderation). As time continues, these individuals could experience Depression and/ Anxiety.

The symptoms of Depression align with effects from work addiction. This includes restlessness, lack of sleep (which can cause you to be irritable), sometimes even too much sleep, fatigue, and worthlessness. If things are not going well at work or one is not achieving high, then this can have a negative effect on the workaholic. Additionally, spending long hours working, leaves little time for friends, families, or hobbies which can give you happy hormones. There is a lot of information out there about Depression and its difference from just being sad. Experience with Depression is different for everyone, so if you think this is something you are dealing with, continue research on the links above and speak with a health care professional (or someone you trust to help you explore options).

Although separate by definition, Anxiety can often be a close friend of Depression for our Type A Workaholics. Anxiety is a nervousness, uneasiness, or need to do something to preparing for or prevent something. However, it is important to clarify that it is excessive worrying or a compulsion to complete a task, rather than just jitters before a test. It’s a conversation that more of “I created 15 different color coded schedules for Fall Semester,” than “I hope I’m not late to class.” And even if you were to stay the late, a super anxious person would should 15-30 minutes early, just to ensure that they’re not late. Or walk there route from each class a few times, to be sure they found the most efficient route. It’s really about how their body process stress. This brings me back to the flight, fight, or freeze signals. With high functioning Anxiety, there is little difference from having a test next class and being chased by a bear after being drenched in organic honey.

6. Living to Work or Working to Live?

As you can see, our actions and choices in our every day lives can affect a combination of all 6 aspects of our health: Physical, Emotional, Mental, Social, Environmental, and Spiritual. So the question here is whether your priorities or goals align with your actions. Is you main goal in life to work? Or are you working so that you can enjoy your life? Or somewhere in between?
There is a difference between working to put food on the table and be able to spend time with friends or family and excessively working to be number one for the day, week, month, or year. I always encourage others to consider their holistic health (those 6 aspects mentioned above). I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s necessary if you want to live a full and healthful life.

I am living and working with Depression and Anxiety. And it is tough, because I’m either doing extremely well and can toot my own horn or I’m glue to my pillow ALL DAY. I have the personality of a person who wants to be a social butterfly and make people proud. I have been drawn to the field of Education while connection my love for Communication and Psychology. However, this line of work in light of our political and social climate is so taxing. My ultimate priority is to live in blissful solitude, so that during the week I can be a superhero and binge watch Netflix on the weekends (or paint or write or dance or go to the beach, I got options!). I really believe that my work can be transformative, but I do not see it manifesting soon enough. Knowing all of this, I attempt to balance my 6 aspects of health but I fail terribly because I’m not disciplined and am limited by Depression and Anxiety.

I don’t want to live pay check to pay check to barely stay afloat. I don’t want to spend so much money on a house that I’ll rarely see. I want the flexibility to live and just be. However, I do not think that I have that luxury, due to my age, ethnicity, social economic status, and financial standing. I don’t know if that bliss is ever coming or if it even matters. Maybe we can talk about my occasionally Nihilism another week. I hope this post gave you enough food for thought. Feel free to leave comments below!

P.S. Citations Below…Let me know if you want more resources!

Kanai, A. (2009). “Karoshi (Work to Death)” in Japan. Journal of Business Ethics, 84 (2): pp. 209-216. Doi: 10.1007/s10551-008-9701-8.

Robinson, B. (1996). The Psychosocial and Familial Dimensions of Work Addiction: Preliminary Perspectives and Hypotheses. Journal of Counseling & Development, 74 (5): pp. 447-452. Doi: 10.1002/j.1556-6676.1996.tb01891.x.

Robinson, B. (2014). Chained to the Desk: A Guidebook for Workaholics, Their Partners and Children, and the Clinicians Who Treat Them (3rd ed.). New York City, NY: NYU Press.

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How to Make Decisions

Welcome back to another lovely Saturday evening. This is crunch time for decisions. Whether you’re looking for summer fun, accepting school offers for the Fall, or wondering what’s for dinner, you have a decision to make. Here’s my 6 Steps to Making THAT Decision!

1. Realism

Before you rush into making up your mind, you must have the appropriate mindset. I’m all for being realistic because being honest with yourself is the greatest form of kindest to you. Depending on the crossroad you’re at, you may have to challenge yourself to remain objective in this step.

We’ll use this blog post as our themed example. One of my Gap Year goals was to become a more influential writer. Because of that goal, i made a decision to use my website to create journal entries each week about my life and thoughts and art. Today was tough because I didn’t know what to write about.

In being realistic with myself, I know a couple of things: I’m on a personal timeline so there’s no rush. I shouldn’t force myself to create art without a need to communicate an idea. My readers are open to almost any topic (but really love life and romance advice). I am encouraged by myself and our community to be HONEST and unapologetic about that.

2. Priorities

After writing or thinking about the details of the situation, revisit why you’re in this space (physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually). What are you going through? What is your goal? Is this decision worth your time or energy? Think about what commands your attention.

As previously mentioned, I took this Gap Year for the purpose of knowing myself and developing myself personally. One thing I wanted to improve was my writing skills. With that being my goal then this promise I made to myself is important and low risk. I have time today to think and write. I have an open mind today to be present in this writing process. I can afford to give my thoughts.

3. Outcome

Now that we are honest with the situation and it’s important enough to be a proity, let’s look at those consequences. Consequences aren’t always negative. What may happen after you make a decision in which ever direction? What can you look forward to?

If I write today, I will smile and be happy that so far I’ve only slipped up 3 times on my promise to write once a week (most of those, I just lost track of the days of the week, tbh). If I write today, I have an opportunity to inspire or assure someone of their next step. If I don’t write today, I will wonder why I didn’t and will have 4 weeks of no blog posts. If I don’t write today, I might loose the opportunity to help another human or my personal goal.

4. Urgency

Now that we can visualize these consequences, let’s review how important this decision is. Must it be done this hour, this day, this week, or this month? Are the negative consequences so bad that is better to get this decision off your plate?

There is a but of urgency in that I’ve promised to make an evening post every Saturday. However, again, if it didn’t happen the negative consequences aren’t life or death. So I know that I only have a few hours to write about something.

5. Intuition

The most important thing to do is follow your gut. Some people call it your heart or the ancestors, but just know that our bodies are intuned with the universe. The universe is a part of you and you are a part of the universe. However there’s been so much sound placed in between humans and the earth that it’s hard to hear the universe. However with huge decisions or things that are important to you, I believe the universe starts screaming its answer! So listen stupid, well not stupid… silly!

The universe told me that I was being a hard headed lazy bum. The fact that I couldn’t decide on what to write was an inspiration to help other figure or what to write, do, or say. And I felt that it was a great topic because is relatable, useful, and interesting. It’s simple, yet complex, and a lot of fun to think about. How do humans make decisions?

6. Intention

Your final step is to consider your purpose. What will this action or decision really do? What will it mean? Are you going to make a decision out of fear or with the intention to make something happen (or not happen)? Are you hiding something?

My intention here is to publish my thoughts and free myself. My intention is to be bigger than myself. My writing is firstly for me and secondly to anyone who could use it for better. I am making a decision to write for these reasons. I am making a decision to make a decision because of these reasons. It will mean that I kept a promise to myself.

Have I missed anything? Leave comments or questions below!

Best,

Cayla J.

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Conflict with Self and Friend

Getting Rid of Toxic People

Welcome to our final post of the love month! This post is going to cover one of the many ways you need to love yourself. It’s been two months since those crazy #newyearnewme resolutions and one group that we know should have been left in 2017 is “Toxic People.” Below, you’ll find my description of Toxic People and 3 Reasons you should add them to your new 2018 goal!

 

1. The World Revolves Around Me.

Not only are these individuals self-centered they are extremely self conscious. A Toxic Person will be quick to assess the environment or situation and consider how it benefits them. In everything they do, they are subconsciously or consciously making a decision to elevate themselves in some way, shape, or form above everyone else. These situations can rarely be considered fair or honorable. We are talking about the people who egg on drama or chaos at house parties, because a select few people may seem to be having too much fun. Or the people in those Lifetime Movie Network Films who say, “If I can’t have you, no one can!”

Toxic people are the definition of drama and are slick manipulators. These are the people who you could trust with your life and love so intensely that you do not notice how much you’ve changed or separated yourself from joy. In the same light, Toxic People are skilled in changing your attitudes about and view on your life. This is frightening mainly because they do not care for your well being (mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually). As previously mentioned, they will always put themselves first and revel in your digression. Here’s why!

2. I’m Insecure, but I’m Having Trouble Processing It.

Toxic People are negative, non-authentic, and charismatic while projecting their insecurities on you. Toxic People are often pessimistic about their situation and hope to place you in a similar world of unfortunate events. Basically, the goal is to not be around people who will try to steal your shine. You should have a community which uplifts you and encourages you to do better.

Toxic People will also bend truths and change significantly according to those surrounding them.The trait that helps them in their toxicity the most is their charisma. It is hard to tell sometimes when you are dealing with a Toxic Person because they seem trustworthy, well intentioned, and loving, when in fact they have another motives. These individuals make you think they are in you’re corner and that they understand you best. These individuals will make you believe that you are crazy, inadequate, and unloved by others. Here are 5 give aways for a Toxic Person!

3. My Red Flags Aren’t Actually Red.

Number One: Bring You Down. Toxic People truly know how to kill your vibe. You ever get yourself all dolled up and ready for an outing and someone comes in to critique every piece of your outfit? You ever get ready to go on the field and dominate, just when a friend comes up to point out the wind, your form, etc.? You ever get all excited about a crush and, instead of asking more questions, someone gives you all the reasons you should set your bar higher…or you don’t deserve a bar at all? Watch out for people who won’t just let you be great and have little comments which bring up doubt constantly within you.

Number Two: Pity Party = Me Out. Toxic People love to talk about miserable situations and horrible people; however, there’s never a call to action or an obvious confrontation to inspire change. They just love to sit in agony. This goes back to the pessimistic view of the world. To your Toxic Friend, everything is stupid and waning…nothing is good. Well, unless it’s them, which leads to number 3.

Number Three: Over Confident. We’re not talking about healthy self-esteem. We are talking about those people who are very loud, confrontational, or intentional about expressing how perfect they are. They overcompensate when they don’t even have to. They talk too much and too loudly. They rest on the extremes of any spectrum. They want to be front and center or in a leadership position (unless they think that’s stuff). They are full of themselves.

Number Four: Not Is Their Favorite Word. These individuals say can’t, won’t, don’t, and not. Earlier when I said they were negative…they don’t know what it means to be positive. They will use negative words toward other people as well, in order to deflate others’ confidence. You ever have a ready good idea and within one sentence your dreams are crushed? You ever try to be spontaneous and they make too much sense (This one was just for fun. Don’t die y’all! But I mean, YOLO.)? You must be careful of those who crush your spirit.

Number Five: Isolation. The biggest red flag is if you have not seen your best friends or family members in a while. You will think that it is because they have changed, but you are the common denominator and your catalyst is that Toxic Person in your life. Because of their charm and need for control, Toxic People will finds to separate from a world of positivity and balance.

Need more reasons to stay away from Toxic People?

  1. You can set an example for others around you about healthy relationships. Hopefully by being more aware of who Toxic People are, we can decrease the likelihood that more people will be victimized. I think that once Toxic People realize that they have little to no power over you they will choose a new tactic. Maybe this will allow others to intervene and get them the help they need.
  2. Drama free means more time for me. The less drama and unnecessary negative energy you have in your life, the better. You can focus on the things that actually matter and make a difference in our world, rather than being caught in hypotheticals or hersay stuff. Also, when things are in order, you can set aside more time for personal development, pleasure, and relaxation.
  3. Most importantly, it is great for your holistic health! Y’all do not understand how amazing it feels to finally rid your life of Toxic People. It is an unspoken weight lifted off of your shoulders. You breathe better, remember to smile, talk to more people, and just think about how great life is. Again, the toxity is so subtle and appears to be coming from a place of love, but once stripped away YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

In short, identify the Toxic People in your life and create a plan of action to remove them from your everyday life (regardless if they are flesh and blood). If they are impeding on your happiness, health, and peace of mind…your minutes on this Earth could be spent more different. So make your conscious choice.

Best,

Cayla Jae

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How to “Hot Button” with Confidence

Welcome Back! While February is recognized as the love month and celebrated for black history, empathy and appreciation for diversity have been placed on the back-burner. It feels as though there’s this obligation to buy candy, hearts, and red tissue paper. Also, I am often under-impressed with our approach to black history month with the same 10 people being highlighted with little to know call to action. This past year has been the year of great tension causing many people to beat around the bush when it comes to tough conversations.

Below are 4 tips for how to have those tough, hot button conversations peacefully and productively.

First, let’s define hot button/ tough conversations.

Hot Button Topics are subjects which elicit strong emotive responses. Hot Button Topics usually present a spectrum of responses which most people choose an extreme to represent. These are the topics that are not brought up at southern dinner tables or do not make for great work related conversations. Examples of current Hot Button Topics would include religion, abortion, income, immigration, police brutality, guns rights, the 45th, race, etc. As mentioned previously, many of these topics are presented in black and white, yet the grey zone is often left out of the conversation. They grey zone can cause tension within these tough conversations. For example, a biracial or mixed person with pale skin not being considered “black enough” for the African American community. Or those who are politically pro-choice and personally pro-life. In conclusion, when faced with Hot Button conversations, just remember that people will have strong stances on them, but everything exists on a continuum. 

1. The Environment Matters

When entering or hosting tough conversations, you must take location and environment into consideration. By this I mean, are you within a large group, a public or private place, at an event, or in a location that would allow for a healthy conversation between the two of you? When hosting tough conversations it helps to not put the other person “on the spot.” My advice would be to have a one on one, if possible, in a space with little to no noise and poses little threat. Your goal here is to make sure that both parties can be heard, are comfortable, and will not get distracted. You want to be considerate of your surroundings and conscious of what is happening within the space and the other person.

2. Check-In with Your Goal

Before entering a highly tense conversation, it helps to be centered and grounded. Most importantly, you want to enter the conversation from a good place with good intentions. You need to assess your mental and emotional state to have that tough conversation. You must be honest with yourself! Are you calm or secure enough to consider a different point of view? Remember that people have firm stances on Hot Button Topics, because they were presented with a strong case or experience earlier in life. Humans are stubborn. Once we believe something is true, it is difficult to accept a new point of view. Your goal should never be to convert the other person (regardless of your stance). Your ultimate goal is to reach understanding on both sides. Hopefully, through a constructive conversation, the other party will take little pieces of what you said and think about it later. However, the process of being presented with new sound information is uncomfortable. It’ll make them squirm and reevaluate their stance. Helping them to understanding you while you active listen to them is success in itself.

3. Create Space for Conversation

Earlier we spoke about the importance of your physical environment and your personal state of mind. Now we want to discuss what a healthy space for conversation looks like. The number one thing here is a Safe Space: that which is non-judgmental, private, respectful of all views, and familiar. You want to build a relationship and trust with the opposite party, because it’s hard to listen to a stranger. You want the questions to be about the topic and viewpoint, rather than personal lives. For example, when speaking about abortion, I stick to policies, access to information, and the fact that it’s a woman’s decision is she wants to grow a whole human. What I won’t do is ask about their personal experience with abortion, family’s history, or say “what if you were…” All of that would immediately put the other person on defense and stop them from listening to you. Again, because you’re goal is mutual understanding, you want both parties open and receptive of the trading of thoughts.

4. Next Step: Action or Disagree

In the spirit of that last statement, the end of the conversation can be a sort of call to action or agreeing to disagree. You want to bring the conversation full circle with a nice close. You want to leave on good terms. You can either end the conversation with your preference or how you interactive with the topic. You can invite them to another conversation or event for them to give their point of view to others. You can ask them to just think about and consider the points you made. When all else fails, just agree to disagree. Remember your goal wasn’t to change someone’s view point, your goal was to have a healthy, productive conversation about something that people don’t want to talk about. It may take many conversations until they see eye to eye with you, so above all else, be patient.

Let people be who they are and appreciate their unique perspective. It isn’t our place to judge them or hate them for having an opinion. It’s our job to educate the masses and do the best we can to respect all views. If you have additional tips, please leave a comment below!

Best,

Cayla Jae

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Abstract Sharpie on Paper Drawing

What you really want is…

Welcome to Black History and Commercial Love Month! It’s short and sweet and to the point, just as I wish your next steps will be. At the beginning of this month, I am reflecting on the past six months of my Gap Year Journey. Below, you’ll find ways to identity: What you do not want, What you think you want, and What you really want.

For many of us, the goal was to make it through high school. After graduating, some serve, work, or apply for college. Once you’re in undergraduate studies, the outcomes are unlimited. For those of us who finally make it to the stage, we have a few options: careers or jobs, scholarship opportunities, or more school.

I’ve spoken about my reasons for coming to this decision to take a Gap Year in an earlier post. However, I never wrote about what kept me here. Months before graduation, I had too many ideas about my next possible steps. After the election of the 45th, I felt that none of those options actually made a difference. I came home with the idea of taking a month or two off to relax and celebrate all of my hard work. What I was not expecting was how BORING it was!

I decided narrow down my options and make some spending money. Networking with family friends led to an internship which led to a service position through AmeriCorps. Both of these opportunities were great in that they should me what I do not want, what I ideally want, and what I am a good match for. After going through this experience, I realize that I could have made smarter choices, yet I wouldn’t trade them for anything else. Below you’ll find 3 thought clouds:

  1. What you do not want.

I fearlessly allowed myself to explore positions that I was curious about. I am interested in combining my creative spirit with my organizational skills. This led to me joining projects within the city to help plan, coordinate, and facilitate a variety of events. I also wandered into a full time teaching position which is technically called workshop facilitation. I also led community center arts and craft lessons while completing 3 commissions.

I learned that I do not belong in the event planning realm and that I am not cut out to be a teacher of young people. Although I am excellent in all of these roles, they do not align with my gut. When you are in the place where you are meant to be and doing the line of work meant for you, you have this feeling. It’s like an epiphany or breathe of fresh air or just a smile. You have a feeling that leads to you splayed out on your bed at night saying, “I could do just this for the rest of my life.” Though I’m being a little dramatic, it is true that I have not had that feeling in those roles. I feel that I embodied my roles well and I enjoyed some moments with co-workers. This was still helpful in that I can redirect myself.

This is not to say that I will never teach or plan an event again. I have the skills and interests in both, so if an opportunity arose I would probably accept (depending on my situation at the time). This is when you review your priorities. Can you stand it enough to help pay some bills?

2. What you think you want.

I am an artist. I paint, dance, write, and decorate. I create in any position I can, as long as there’s an itch (sometimes artists get this inspiration or motivation to just create). I hadn’t painted or drawn in so long that I assumed that my discontentment was a result of that. I hadn’t made time to exercise or create. So I started setting meeting with successful people in my field around the city for advice on how to make art for a living.

These wonderful people gave me the best advice and encourage me still today to create a show. However, my issue is that I do not just want to make things for monetary compensation. This is the reason commissions are challenging for me, because I’m making something that I hope someone else will value, rather than what I am proud of. When I envision the person that I could be in the future, it isn’t an artist. The artist who owns a studio, is quite famous, and works out in her free time, isn’t me anymore. Although I have the skills and knowledge to be a great entrepreneur, it doesn’t align with my gut.

Eventually you have to be honest with yourself and keep your fantasies in check. It is challenging sometimes to tune out the voices surrounding you and tune into the voice inside of you. I am often praised on my art and I am proud of it. Although I enjoy it and think it might be “cool” to be a full time artist, it isn’t me. I do not schedule the time to create and I do not have the motivation to push myself there. So allow yourself to be honest and not please others (nor society).

3. What you really want.

What you really want is the happy median which doesn’t always exist. However, our goal here is to compromise. Take your list of what you do not want and ask the question why. Afterwards take your list of what you think you want and ask the question why. Somewhere in there you will find an answer of what you’re good at and kinda like.

(1) I do not like when people panic during events nor do I enjoy the long hours. However, I love the idea of turning nothing into something that hundreds of people will remember for years to come. I do not see myself as a primary nor secondary teacher, because they are under paid and over worked. Additionally, working with students everyday increases my chance for sickness, forces me to repeat myself often, and burn myself out. Most importantly, they must follow rules from the godmother of education and I feel as though education has become less centered around the child.

(2) I love the idea of being an artist, because I can be my own boss and set my own hours. I can also dictate which projects to accept or deny. I can travel all over and experience life outside of my world. I would be allowed to express myself and be valued for that. I also think that I would make people proud. I also like the idea of working out on a regular basis, because of all the benefits. I see an exercising artist as a happy and healthy being.

I am artistic, organized, detail-oriented, empathetic with children’s development, and a seer of the big picture. I like opportunities to lead with little supervision, creatively solve problems, making those I admire proud, and commit to self-care. Therefore, what I want is somewhere within those last two sentences. I want to lead, build community, and allow the marginalized to be listened to. I want to influence and take over the educational system here to create efficient solutions to some significant problems. I want financial stability that would allow my to travel often and keep the lights on.

So that is my simplified method to discovering what you really want. Take the skills you learned, the highlights from your experiences, and pieces of your fantasy of a life and find your happy median. Feel free to add to the conversation below!

Best,

Cayla Jae

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Shelby Farms Lake at Sunset

How to “Online Dating”: From Stranger to Friend to Exclusive

Last year, I wrote about reasons someone doesn’t deserve a swipe to the right. Today, I felt the need to highlight those who made it to the final round. Here are 5 tips and tricks to take some stranger’s selfie to someone worth building a future with. Kinda crazy, huh? Well welcome to the 2010s!

  1. Mr./ Mrs. Right

Thanks to centuries of romantic comedies, novels, and story plots, we are desperately searching for our soul mates. There’s this idea that somewhere out there is a person made specifically for you. There’s this concept that someone out there meets all the criteria on your list (and some of us have fairly lengthy lists). Unfortunately, this gets in the way of building friendships and allowing the potential for romance in those relationships.

When it comes to online dating, I entered with the mindset of “what do I need and want”? What’s most important to me is having someone who communicates in a similar way and is open to exploring the world. I also need them to be honest, loyal, and oozing with positive vibes. However, while scrolling through sites, I try not to get distracted by all of my wants (the small details). So after listing your non-negotiable items and needs in a relationship, we must be aware of the deal breakers (ex. stoners, cat lovers, or those who put pineapple on their pizza). So you don’t want to spend all your time checking of items in a box, but you do want to be realistic about who complements you.

2. The Right Fit

Once you have found a person or a couple of people who meet those basic needs, it is time to determine if you “click.” Again, it’s best to avoid our fantasies about romance, such as the foot pop or fireworks after you kiss someone. It’s more about following your gut and asking yourself “could they be a great friend?” Whether you are searching for someone to fill space or be exclusive with, you need to make sure that the two of you can effectively communicate comfortably in your style of communication.

I found my current partner on an online dating app. He was one of the few guys who sent with a unique and interesting message. While I can’t remember what that message was for the life of me, I remember how it made me feel. It made me smile and curious enough to talk with him. Texting for us was simple and enjoyable, because we had similar humor and personalities. While we were revealing deep thoughts and feelings, we were becoming familiar with one another AS FRIENDS. So remember, just take things slow and building a friendship. After building trust as friends, you’ll know if they would complement you well as a partner.

 3. Let’s Get Offline

You know what’s more annoying than receiving hundreds of notifications from strangers? Waiting on Wi-Fi to talk to that one person you can’t wait to receive notifications from. Somewhere in this span of building friendship with this stranger, it is advisable to move offline. If you feel comfortable enough to trade cell phone numbers, do so. If you want to meet them in an open, well trafficked place first, then do that. If things are going well and feel that they might be a compatible friend, then push for some face to face time. There is nothing worse than getting along great via text and not being able to crack a smile in person.

Meeting someone from online will be awkward and strange at first, but just remember that they’re a relatively normal person who is also very nervous. My partner and I had traded numbers because of my busy schedule and agreed to meet for Indian food. His profile noted that he was 6’9″ (yet no typo there) and I am just over 5 feet, so of course that created nerves. I greeted him with an awkward hug and talked about the nerves briefly just to break the ice. We continued conversations similar to our texting streak; however, we talked more about school, aspirations, friends, plans for the year, and of course food.

Having a face to face conversation definitely allowed us to open up more about what we wanted from this relationship. I was fresh out of school and looking for friends in the area to explore the city with. He was of a similar mindset and confessed to not being completely ready for a romantic relationship. Which is understandable! Most of the time, the goal of online dating is friendship rather than marriage. While you do things that would be considered “dates,” but it is also possible to go of “friend dates” which don’t end with kissing or an “I love you.”

4. Open Communication

If you do nothing else, you must develop open communication. Relationship are nothing without some form of consistent and honest communication. As time passes, you will have longer conversations with depth and life gets complicated. Therefore, it’s nice to let your friends know about changes in your life which may affect y’all’s relationship. This is especially important if you are seeing more than one person at the same time. It’s just nice to let others know where your mind and heart are.

My current partner and I talked about everything from work to friends from school and hobbies to future hopes. I often do check ins with my friends about their needs and wants. Sometimes literally saying, “What is it that you need from me as a friend? And what do you want from me?” My partner also discussed the possibility of us dating after about 5-6 months of knowing one another. Although I initially turned the offer down, I did ask him what changed his mind. So we had a full discussion about transitioning from friendship into a romantic relationship. We also discussed what that would look like for us and what would our norms be. In developing and maintaining a strong romantic relationship, vulnerability and transparency a vital for great communication.

5. Open Minded

In maintaining new relationships, you have to allow things the ability to grow in the way they would naturally do so. If things are not working, then it is okay for things to end. Often we encourage a push through it mentality, when in actuality some things and people are not meant to be together. While you may think you complement one another in the beginning, things may change which call for you to reassess your relationship.

For me, I had to be open to the idea of no longer being single. I had been dating myself for the last two years and celebrating my selfish lifestyle. I had been building and loving myself. I acknowledged and celebrated my growth, because I knew where I had come from. I had strengthened my self-esteem, self-worth, and self-talk by cleansing my life of toxic people. Now I was presented with this wonderful guy who was asking for my permission to grow with me. He loves to text just as much as I do, we make fun of each other in good taste, and we rationalize the world in similar ways.

He is skilled, bright, brutally honest, loyal, decently optimistic, and inspirational. He likes to travel and we’ll hopefully be traveling together soon. He is a nerd, morning person, and an old soul. He is hilarious, thoughtful, respectful, and romantic. He complements the Cayla that I have worked hard to build well and challenges me to do better. So I am happy to call him mine and I am optimistic about our future.

 

Alright now I’m done with the sappy love story. There isn’t an formula for finding love on a dating app. You just need to spend time with yourself to know what you need in someone else and find someone who complements you well. Add comments below to continue the conversation!

Best,

Cayla Jae

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7 Reasons I Don’t (Ever) Want Children

Whether it be from surprise, disappointment, or lack of understanding, people consistently inquire why I (and many others) desire a child-free lifestyle. So here’s the very short and self-less list of why I prefer living a child-free life.

  1. Tokophobia

    No, it’s not a taco-phobia. I actually love a good taco. Tokophobia is a fear of pregnancy or giving birth. Although you may think this is joke, it is a really disturbing idea to allow a parasitic alien to develop in my uterus. When I think of the process of pregnancy, I just envision pain: eating for two, squishing organs, imbalance of hormones, no fun (roller coasters, alcohol, some foods, etc.), breaking of hip plates, ripping of skin, and y’all don’t get me started on everything after delivery. You’re still in recovery, in diapers, and you won’t sleep (until maybe their 25th birthday). While some people view this as “miracle” from God, I see it as unnecessary pain and potential problems that will be discussed in later points.

  2. Money

    You don’t have any of it. Remember when you were a kid and thought “oh, when I become an adult, I’ll have lots of money and do whatever I want with it”? Well it’s all a lie! All this time when you were thinking adults had it all together, they were faking it and constantly pivoting. Children come with many mystery fees. If you’re a first time mommy, you will waste money on the best organic and prenatal foods or vitamins (even though your body is a toxic waste land from years of trash food). You will buy books, clothes (that last two weeks…maybe), furniture, bottles, toys, etc. You will have hospital bills (unless you have a midwife at home). Eventually, this will lead to school and extracurricular fees, because the government keeps taking funding. ON TOP OF IT ALL, you have real adult life with bills, insurance, food, rent/ mortgage, accidentals, clothes, and every thing under the sun.

  3. Adulting

    What is hilarious is that adulthood various between states. It can start as earlier as 15 or whenever a health care professional will consider you mature enough to make decisions about your own health. However, in the USA you’re treated like a 2 year old until your 18. Around 18 you’re on your own, but you can’t drink until 21 or rent a car until 25. You have to have experience to get experience in most cases. I repeat, adulthood is tiring, stressful, and sometimes boring, but you are pushing through. You know how much more of a challenge it is to be responsible for a WHOLE KID? Not even half of one! Your accomplishments don’t include setting your own appointments and getting dressed, but making moves for the entire family. This not a glamorous thing like rich people in Reality TV who just have babies for fun. I don’t need children for photo opportunities nor do I want them as right offs on my taxes. I just want to see that I’m not a real adult yet and I’m not afraid to admit that.

  4. The 45th

    We won’t even say the name. But in a world where the 45th president is allowed to hold the highest position in the land, I wouldn’t even know where to start having conversations about the realities of our world. Raising a child of color in society that is out right sexist, racist, xenophobic, classist, and apathetic would be the most heart breaking things for me. While I know there are ways to navigate that conversation and not crushing their spirits, I’m just adulty enough for that. We’re just too divided here.

  5. Time

    I’m just letting you know that you can hang up any “me time.” No more: window shopping for hours, staying out late to party (without a baby sitter or partner), extremely long and quiet bubble baths, or working late at the office to get caught up. Your “me time” becomes “us time”…well “their time.” You are on-call 24/7 legally until they are 18 years old, but I mean they can stay even longer than that. Most people who have children put their children first. You are making sure they get from home to school and back. You keep up with extracurricular activity schedules. You have all this paper work and permission slips to sign. You want to show them attention and make sure their studies are going well. You’re sometimes concerned about their new friends. And the young ones always make you sick. Your time is spent making memories with your offspring. This is admirable, but I’m still selfish.

  6. Development

    I’ve studied Child Development briefly. I was first exposed to Child Development in high school that ended with me taking care of plastic doll for a weekend. Later in college, as I got more involved in Education, things started to make sense about how this whole parenting thing works and how influential it is to your child’s development. Routine and Communication is important. Everything they know in their world comes from you or from others you place them near. I feel like if I were to be a parent, I’d be to worried about “doing it right.” While there isn’t one right method to developing a normal-ish child, there are some things that work well. I worry that some parents don’t take the time to think about how their words, actions, and lives influence their child.

  7. Distrust

    I do not trust day cares or schools, because I have worked and shadowed some. While you might have some employees who do not personally care about your child, I’m most concerned with some systems not being updated or having alternative education models. These small humans are depending on your to make the right decisions for them. Some are so small that they can not speak or move yet and others haven’t lived long enough to make connections between events and people. Again, this would be a point in which I am too worried about not doing this parenting thing right.

I am a woman who can do whatever she wants with her body without the input or opinion from anyone else. While choosing a child-free life style may seem selfish (and I am rightful so), my list is quite selfless. I am making a decision to not have children, because they deserve the best and to not see resentment.

Pregnancy is painful and we don’t talk about all the details, because…I don’t know why. It should be part of our normal conversations and in the media more often. I don’t have enough resources to support them. I am not mature enough to nurture them. My society has A LOT of room to grow. They deserve one on one time, rather than me day dreaming about the days before their birth. I want their development to be healthy. Finally, I want them to be properly supported and educated.

I just don’t want children. Is that so bad?

Best,

Cayla Jae

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image of Sunrise over New Port Beach

5 Steps to End Procrastinating

Welcome to the new posting schedule of 2018! From this moment on, all Gap Year Journal posts will populate on Saturday afternoons. Now let’s stop procrastinating and get right to the point.

1.Decide.

First things first, you have to make the decision that you want to stop procrastinating. Why did you click on this post? Why do you care enough to procrastinate long enough to solve your procrastination? Do you honestly want to stop? There is something within you that was triggered that caused you to stop acting. Whether you are overly concerned with something being perfect, you are afraid of failure, or you are just not interested, you have to make the decision to actively combat procrastination.

I am currently procrastinating on applying to graduate schools and job applications. I am procrastinating because I do not think that I have enough time to make everything perfect (event though I know that does not matter). I’m also procrastinating because most of it requires writing about why I want to attend those schools or be a part of that company. Because I love writing and I want clarity in my ideas, it takes full commitment to sit still and write. I am also just really lazy after traveling over the winter holidays. But I am currently making a decision to stop procrastinating, because I do not want to be paralyzed. Worse case scenario, I do not submit anything and receive no response! So I am going to stop procrastinating.

2. Assess.

Assess your limitations or inhibitors. You have to be honest with yourself and know your weakness to ensure you are the best you that you envision you to be. Write it down if you have to or tell a friend to hold you accountable.

I am a perfectionist and worry that I won’t be able to communicate how awesome I am in one page. Like how do I fit all my awesomeness in one page?! I deserve a novel or two or a trilogy. Ego aside…I also worry that those university or companies won’t see my worth. In this world, you don’t deserve things, you earn them. But I know that I’ve worked hard to know and deserve my worth. Will I be just a number to those university or companies? If so, that’s not the culture that I want to be a part of. Lastly, I just don’t like making decisions that seem life-changing. Yet, every day we make small decisions that alter our future. For example, the chili fries I bought over bell peppers or soda over water. See really, it’s perspective. My perspective about myself, my work, and my world is stopping. That uncertainty of finally leading my life is terrifying.

3. Plan.

Plan your next step, love. As I have mentioned plenty of times before, plans should always be realistic for your lived experience. If these plans are for productivity, I’m assuming that there is a tasks that you wish you could complete; therefore, we do not have to discuss making the plan measureable. You have told yourself that you will no longer procrastinate. You have been honest with yourself and your situation. Now consult with yourself on how to end this procrastination session.

You can write some notes, motivate yourself by looking in the mirror, work with a trusted friend/ coworker/ family member, etc. Decide on what is the goal and how to get there in a way that is realistic for you. I will make a fully list of things that I need to do. Set alarms for when they should be completed. Through typing this up on my blog, I now have to revisit this published document as a reminder.

4. Select.

Select your method of motivation or reward. If you struggle with procrastination, you more than likely struggle with motivation. Some people are motivated by obtaining money, providing a service to others, enjoying the process of what they love, beating deadlines, etc. Other people might complete tasks in order to reward themselves by going shopping, eating their favorite foods, watching a good movie, going out with friends, etc.

I am definitely more reward oriented. My motivation comes from getting rid of notifications or constantly seeing something. I just love the feeling of crossing things off my list. I might set alarms in my phone at specific times to do specific tasks. I also will create little sticky notes for my mirror and doors. I reward myself with long naps, long baths, or long hours shopping alone in H&M. I just worry that I’ve stopped caring about whether I finish the next step. So we’ll just have to see how this goes.

5. Stop.

Stop reading this post and go do the things. You have graduated from Cayla’s quick course on the end to procrastination. So in order to put number one into action, close out your window, put your phone on airplane mode, and revisit step number one. Go do all of the things!

Best,

Cayla Jae

 

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Portrait of Writer with a "Born to Win" T-Shirt

How You Start a Revolution

Welcome back to the first week of just another year! Before we dive in, I wanna give you a heads up that my Gap Year Journal post will be moved to Saturday afternoons starting January 13, 2018. This is an attempt to becoming more consistent and making your reading more convenient.

In my last post about making New Year’s Resolutions, I touched on some of my frustrations with the current political climate. Additionally, I made a distinction between creating resolution as a quick fix rather than something sustainable and transformative. In this post, I will continue with the idea of reflecting on and responding to 2017, as we transition into 2018.

One of the main themes that I’ve noticed in every space is revolution. People are observing the world and looking back to movement which brought positive change. People like me feel powerless, not heard or listened to, constrained by rules and laws, climate change isn’t being acknowledged, food desserts are growing, fresh water is disappearing, humans are being murdered by those we trust, jobs are unobtainable, and hope is waning. Wealth and power is unequal. Families are barely surviving below the poverty line. Resources are being removed from areas in need.

We think “our current state is worse than that, the revolution must be on the horizon…any moment.” However, when you consider the power dynamics within this country and the unknown unknowns (things we don’t know that we don’t know), we come to the realization that what worked in the past or overseas must be adapted to our unique situation. We also must realize that the changes that we demand (usually relating to all the -isms) stem from the unique intersection of our mindset and moral.

For example, Racism exists and is the structure of our predominantly white, heterosexual, patriarchal system. It is the mindset of people who have been wired to believe that black people or people of color are less than. It is a mindset that has been passed down for generations within households of non-color and color alike. This prejudice, stereotyping, and violence is justified because “it’s fact and it’s been that way for centuries.” That’s just the way it is. In a similar light, prejudice, stereotyping, violence, and indifference towards individuals based on sex, sexuality, socioeconomic status, identity, etc. has been normalized within a given society by its people and kept alive because of hegemony (power dynamics).

It’s easier to control a population which is divided. It’s easier to control the flow of money when this division makes it okay for certain people to not get their equal share, because they are less than. It’s easier to control those minorities or people in need when they feel they are powerless, voiceless, and uneducated/ inadequate. How do you break a group of people and dehumanize them to the point of…well crab effect? How do you make sure that this group (no matter the size) has little to no change of rising up? How do you become untouchable? You help the people divide themselves based on socially constructed norms, ideas, mindsets, and morals. Thanks to the lack of interest in getting to know those of different identities (religions, cultures, races, etc.) and the internalization of stereotypes, we have kept injustice alive.

So I proposed in an earlier post that we don’t need a revolution. We need community healing and a gradual societal redirection (Social Evolution). We need this because we want to peacefully reach a mutual understanding and connection with those at all levels. The issues that we are enduring could be avoided through adjustments with the system, institutions, and societal norms in place.

Alright, so now we get to the fun stuff! I drafted these seven steps to creating a social evolution with some friends in a coffee shop (yeah, they’re pretty awesome).

  1. Identify the Problem.

    • Definition- What is the main issue or disturbance? What is the virus?
    • Goal- During this period, you must be observant and educate yourself on the details surrounding the Problem. Combining first hand lived experiences with numbers and sources makes for stronger cases (when quality meets quantity). You need to know now what all you’re up against.
    • Action- This first step requires you to be humble enough to ask deeper questions and assume you do not know anything at all. You will be challenged to do things and go places you may have never considered (like calling the U.S. Department of Education yourself on your day off to ask questions). The higher ups are not out of reach, even though it seems that way. Don’t take no for an answer and be persistent.

  2. Assess the Environment/ Climate.

    • Definition- Now that you know the problem inside and out, what is the root cause? Ask why and get to the source. Our world is interconnected and anything but simple.
    • Goal- During this period, you have already gained knowledge surrounding your problem. Now you have to get to the so what, how so, whom, and what? You need to place the problem within its context (we can’t make change from abstract ideas y’all). What are the cultural norms within the country, state, city, county, etc.? What limitations might you face? Whom might you need to go through? You basically want to become an expert on this topic and be like less than 2 Google searches from the answer to any questions about it.
    • Action- This second stage requires you to be a little diplomatic, because you want to know where you need to go before you start burning bridges. This stage will require patience, persistence, and objectivity. This is definitely analytical and nit-picky.

  3. Create Buy-In.

    • Definition-Why should anyone care? Why would anyone support you?
    • Goal- It takes a village to create change. Now, that you’ve been a little detached from the passion behind this movement, step 3 will ask you to revisit why you chose this problem. During this period, you need to think about how this problem is relatable your people. How do you get them to care about this issue, envision themselves as capable of creating change, and respect you enough to follow you as a leader? Are you meant to be the leader? What is your strength or role? How can each person recognize their role in the movement?
    • Action- You almost have to develop a new language here. As I wrote before, these people are living and believing the societal norms that have been passed down from generations. So how do you create that hint of benefit of a doubt and give power back to the powerless? You have to create new norms and get them to buy into the process. You also have to set priorities here: start small and start with one single issue. You can’t have a group of people working on different things within an issue. Numbers help show the higher ups how important this one thing is to this group. Self-care for yourself and teaching it to others will be important, because even though you are creating change, you must allow yourself to be human at some time in the process (especially to avoid burnout). As you focus on buy-in, consider what limitations or barriers your group might face. What sort of things could make them want to leave the movement? How can you prevent that? How could the higher ups intervene and divide you? How can you prevent that? Be realistic with your goals.

  4. Build an Army.

    • Definition- Surround yourself with a team of individuals who can support the movement and are trustworthy enough to have autonomy. Collect the masses and form that village.
    • Goal- Help others see that they can create change. Help others use their unique skills, talents, or resources to own a part of the movement. Build trust, great communication skills, and non-egocentric hierarchy (if we can avoid a hierarchy all together, that’d be better=potential to recreate problem we’re fighting!).
    • Action- You need to be studying past movements for their successes and down falls. You need to talk with people who have been involved in similar movements. You need to study gang culture/ structure, cults, and group think theory. Cover you bases and get rid of any obstacles. Study people, psychology, sociology, and any other -ology which can help you understand/ connect with a diverse group of people, resolve conflict, and create great teamwork. Revisit any opportunities for things to go south and make sure your tribe is strong.

  5. Challenge the Strategy.

    • Definition- You all have to create an action plan for how to solve the problem. What are we doing?
    • Goal-Have a plan A-Z which includes various scenarios of things that could happen during this work. You all need short and long term goals which are realistic, measurable, and adjustable. You need to make sure that everything is centered around one issue. Everyone must feel that they play a significant part in the movement. Watch out for any weak spots.
    • Action- Create a list of things you want and need, in relation to the problem. Focus on what is necessary first. (With sexism, I want pockets on women’s jeans to be normalized. However, I need for pregnancy or menstrual cycles to not be seen as problematic/ hindrances to success.) You will need more patience here as you collaborate with people who have different priorities. Again make sure that passion, buy in, and relatability is present within your group. You need to give and receive trust and open communication. Get comfortable making plans, challenging those ideas, rethinking, being consistent and persistent.

  6. Trail and Error.

    • Definition- Play with some of those ideas!
    • Goal- The only way you learn is through doing. You have everything you need in place and now you all have to see what works and what does not. You will assess and restrategize to ensure that gradual change occurs.
    • Action-Continue to push for what you believe in. Continue to promote self-care. Continue to get rid of barriers for or within your team. You need to be good at reading their minds and noticing their interests or strengths. Do not get discourage and allow those to leave who have lost their will to fight.

  7. Revisit Steps 1-6.

    • Definition- This process is cyclical and anything can be altered to fit your fight.
    • Goal-Know that the work is never done. You will never be enough and that’s okay. You just need to do the best that you can while taking care of your body and other responsibilities. Sometimes in the process of trial and error you learn new things and must go back to the first two steps.
    • Action- Revisit steps 1-6 for one or more issues until the next generation know it by heart. You create a new culture and mindset that inspires young people to pick up where you left off.

I know that this is kind of heavy from the New Year, but I felt this was important to share. Feel free to add things to the list in the comments below. Welcome to 2018!

Best,

Cayla Jae

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