Back to Top Priorities

Weeks ago, I wrote about priorities and choices. I wrote about my top priority always being the warm embrace of happiness. Throughout life, our choices may be limited or affected by our environments which question our commitments to that which matters the most.

I left undergrad in a place that was uncertain but proud. I had finally met Cayla. I listened to, supported, and embraced her. Through allowing her to thrive, I learned that she needed to be in the gym at least 3 days out of the week, silence for a good portion of the day, and to create things that were both important to her and others. And even if I moved, it was my responsibility to ensure that she continued to have those things which made her smile.

I did not do my job well. During this gap year experience, I’ve noticed that I’ve stopped supporting myself. I placed myself too far from my chosen family, outside of the gym, into 57 hours per week of noise, and within an uninspiring location. Instead of listening to her, I added distractions to my life which have veer me off of a path that I fought so hard to build.

At one point, I knew that I was meant to live alone somewhere near the sun. Somewhere where I could read books, enjoy hot tea, and dance to the sound of the wind. I knew that I wanted to help people by creating solutions to issues that make my heart sad. I knew that I didn’t care for economic wealth, just financial stability with zero debt. I knew that I would move the bubble to a place I could call home.

However, this year, I have developed unhealthy relationships and habits. I can’t remember the last book I read nor cup of tea I’ve drank. In the past, when I danced, there were always two friends who’d join in, but now I’m more of a spectacle. I have an endless list of things to do and no motivation to start them. I lie in bed eating marshmallows and watching Grey’s Anatomy for the 10th time thinking about all the places my body screams to go to.

9 months ago, Cayla would’ve written this to current Cayla:

1. Set Priorities

2. Assess Your Situation

3. Check Happiness

4. Plan Small Goals

My ultimate priory is to be happy and have silence. I can’t get that from anyone but myself.

I’ve allowed people into my space who don’t deserve my attention. However there were quite a few new relationships that I hope will stick. I’m also making some good decisions with how use my money. So I feel that I just need more structure to my life to rebuild some good and healthy habits.

I am unhappy because I’m not content with my environment. I want more choices and freedom than I currently have. I feel like I’m suffocating. As result, I’ve become more defiant and nasty, because I’m fighting… without a goal (besides freedom of course).

My current plan is to finish my service term within the next 2 weeks. Once released from service, I can allot time to think about myself, achievable goals, and actually follow through. So small steps: finish service, live alone in a pretty place, join a gym/ dance studio, read for pleasure, and eat healthy.

Hopefully by this time next month, I will have attempted some of these goals to get back to my priorities.

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7 Reasons I Don’t (Ever) Want Children

Whether it be from surprise, disappointment, or lack of understanding, people consistently inquire why I (and many others) desire a child-free lifestyle. Let’s talk!

Whether it be from surprise, disappointment, or lack of understanding, people consistently inquire why I (and many others) desire a child-free lifestyle. So here’s the very short and self-less list of why I prefer living a child-free life.

  1. Tokophobia

    No, it’s not a taco-phobia. I actually love a good taco. Tokophobia is a fear of pregnancy or giving birth. Although you may think this is joke, it is a really disturbing idea to allow a parasitic alien to develop in my uterus. When I think of the process of pregnancy, I just envision pain: eating for two, squishing organs, imbalance of hormones, no fun (roller coasters, alcohol, some foods, etc.), breaking of hip plates, ripping of skin, and y’all don’t get me started on everything after delivery. You’re still in recovery, in diapers, and you won’t sleep (until maybe their 25th birthday). While some people view this as “miracle” from God, I see it as unnecessary pain and potential problems that will be discussed in later points.

  2. Money

    You don’t have any of it. Remember when you were a kid and thought “oh, when I become an adult, I’ll have lots of money and do whatever I want with it”? Well it’s all a lie! All this time when you were thinking adults had it all together, they were faking it and constantly pivoting. Children come with many mystery fees. If you’re a first time mommy, you will waste money on the best organic and prenatal foods or vitamins (even though your body is a toxic waste land from years of trash food). You will buy books, clothes (that last two weeks…maybe), furniture, bottles, toys, etc. You will have hospital bills (unless you have a midwife at home). Eventually, this will lead to school and extracurricular fees, because the government keeps taking funding. ON TOP OF IT ALL, you have real adult life with bills, insurance, food, rent/ mortgage, accidentals, clothes, and every thing under the sun.

  3. Adulting

    What is hilarious is that adulthood various between states. It can start as earlier as 15 or whenever a health care professional will consider you mature enough to make decisions about your own health. However, in the USA you’re treated like a 2 year old until your 18. Around 18 you’re on your own, but you can’t drink until 21 or rent a car until 25. You have to have experience to get experience in most cases. I repeat, adulthood is tiring, stressful, and sometimes boring, but you are pushing through. You know how much more of a challenge it is to be responsible for a WHOLE KID? Not even half of one! Your accomplishments don’t include setting your own appointments and getting dressed, but making moves for the entire family. This not a glamorous thing like rich people in Reality TV who just have babies for fun. I don’t need children for photo opportunities nor do I want them as right offs on my taxes. I just want to see that I’m not a real adult yet and I’m not afraid to admit that.

  4. The 45th

    We won’t even say the name. But in a world where the 45th president is allowed to hold the highest position in the land, I wouldn’t even know where to start having conversations about the realities of our world. Raising a child of color in society that is out right sexist, racist, xenophobic, classist, and apathetic would be the most heart breaking things for me. While I know there are ways to navigate that conversation and not crushing their spirits, I’m just adulty enough for that. We’re just too divided here.

  5. Time

    I’m just letting you know that you can hang up any “me time.” No more: window shopping for hours, staying out late to party (without a baby sitter or partner), extremely long and quiet bubble baths, or working late at the office to get caught up. Your “me time” becomes “us time”…well “their time.” You are on-call 24/7 legally until they are 18 years old, but I mean they can stay even longer than that. Most people who have children put their children first. You are making sure they get from home to school and back. You keep up with extracurricular activity schedules. You have all this paper work and permission slips to sign. You want to show them attention and make sure their studies are going well. You’re sometimes concerned about their new friends. And the young ones always make you sick. Your time is spent making memories with your offspring. This is admirable, but I’m still selfish.

  6. Development

    I’ve studied Child Development briefly. I was first exposed to Child Development in high school that ended with me taking care of plastic doll for a weekend. Later in college, as I got more involved in Education, things started to make sense about how this whole parenting thing works and how influential it is to your child’s development. Routine and Communication is important. Everything they know in their world comes from you or from others you place them near. I feel like if I were to be a parent, I’d be to worried about “doing it right.” While there isn’t one right method to developing a normal-ish child, there are some things that work well. I worry that some parents don’t take the time to think about how their words, actions, and lives influence their child.

  7. Distrust

    I do not trust day cares or schools, because I have worked and shadowed some. While you might have some employees who do not personally care about your child, I’m most concerned with some systems not being updated or having alternative education models. These small humans are depending on your to make the right decisions for them. Some are so small that they can not speak or move yet and others haven’t lived long enough to make connections between events and people. Again, this would be a point in which I am too worried about not doing this parenting thing right.

I am a woman who can do whatever she wants with her body without the input or opinion from anyone else. While choosing a child-free life style may seem selfish (and I am rightful so), my list is quite selfless. I am making a decision to not have children, because they deserve the best and to not see resentment.

Pregnancy is painful and we don’t talk about all the details, because…I don’t know why. It should be part of our normal conversations and in the media more often. I don’t have enough resources to support them. I am not mature enough to nurture them. My society has A LOT of room to grow. They deserve one on one time, rather than me day dreaming about the days before their birth. I want their development to be healthy. Finally, I want them to be properly supported and educated.

I just don’t want children. Is that so bad?

Best,

Cayla Jae