My last few posts have been kinda serious and I plan to go deeper during the next few weeks. Next week, I’ll let you know how if felt to sit back stage for the National Civil Rights Museum Freedom Awards. For now, let’s have of bit of fun and talk about how horribly confusing life is on online dating apps.
Below, I have listed my top ten reasons for swiping left on any person within my set radius. After graduation, I moved back home, but I lost touch with high school friends. For this reason, I’ve become an expert in the world of online dating apps, in an attempt to find new friends to rediscover my hometown with me.
10 Reasons Why I Swipe Left
I am a woman.
Due to the fact that I’m in the 21 and above club, I prefer a person with a legal ID which allows them to join me for a drink. I also need some who’s mature, respectful, and who will add to the conversation. I want a man. So if your only images highlight some car, that you’re 420 friendly, or something remotely sketchy… Can’t do it. This also includes a stack of money as your first image which leads me to think you are into drug dealing or “hustling”. People with real money don’t have stacks in their profile pictures. Side note: watch out for people who have screen ages 23, look 15, and claim 19.
2. You use every word but “woman”.
Y’all don’t know how often I see people referring to women as garden tools, females, girls, female dogs, and other degrading nicknames or parts to the female anatomy. If you’re crass enough to hypothetically attack me in your bio… I don’t think you could handle my feminist clap backs. Side note: some people actually request that feminist not swipe right for them lol like no problem, Steve.
3. I am greeted by your bare chest.
I don’t care to see how built your chest is (or how much you think it is). I’m just hear to see a clear picture of your face and maybe hobbies that interest you, not your birthday suit. Plus, your skin signals to me that that’s the only thing you’re concerned with. Our texts will literally be about you going to and leaving the gym and maybe even dietary stuff. Side note: If anything else, guys that are looking for women, be sure to get some professional or super nice quality photos of your face. Also, try to avoid using mostly group photos because we don’t want to search guessing who you might be. And so the snap chat filters… Like why? We grown people.
4. Your bio is empty.
I get this part. Most people say that no one looks at your bio anymore and others will note how awkward it is writing one. First of all, bios help me craft my opening message. They also let me know what things we have in common to discuss. Your bio can literally be ” world traveler, art, Latin music, lizards ” and I’d be like cool, “I paint.” Secondly, if I’m on the border of swiping left or right, a good bio will win me over. Whether you spent time on it or not, if it makes me smile, we might match up. Lastly, if a bio is awkward to write, what’s more awkward than putting yourself online asking for friends or friends with benefits or life partners??? Like none of this is traditionally normal, so don’t take yourself seriously, Karen.
5. Speaking of… you’re ready for marriage.
Now I’ve had a hand full of family members meet their current spouses online and are content and happy. However, I’m not in the head space for marriage. I just want someone to dance with at Spectrum or the Rumba Room. I want to go walking in the park on a pretty day. I want to socialize away from the altar. This is not a negative because lots of people are looking for that happy ending. It’s just not me, love. I feel like marriage for me would come from meeting someone in person, leading to friendship, and then romantic stuff.
6. You’re never on the app and want me to follow you on another platform.
Like… WHAT?! This ain’t some free advertisement site for you to get more snap followers! What I look like copying and pasting your username, opening my other app, pasting you in the search bar and waiting to see if we should talk… While I’m swiping on the dating app!? What is this madness? Look, if you ain’t using the dating app, hide ya profile and save us all time. Come on, meet me half way… “LEFT!”
7. My finger slipped, just being honest.
There’s not much to add here. Although most apps are free, undoing a swipe ain’t free. Sometimes I’m in such a groove swiping left that I accidentally go left on someone great and they’re lost to the universe. So you could honestly have been the perfect fit, swiped right on me, and then nothing… Because your photo was surrounded by selfies of ab/ stomachs. And I’m not sure you’re worth the $9.99 commitment to a month free of back swiping… Just saying.
8. I don’t know that I could be in the same photo with you.
This sounds crazy but I actually do think about whether we’d look abnormal in a picture together. I’m also thinking about where your photos are taken. Like could I see myself hiking with him, do I even like mudding, or would I join him in a tattoo parlor? I also think about if you’re physically “my type” because if we clique as friends I want to know if I have to friendzone you or not. I just don’t want to be awkward and loose a foodie buddy. But honestly, I’m always awkward so I want to be prepared if that conversation comes up.
9. You say your an introvert and a homebody, but expect me to solve your hermit lifestyle.
Dude/ dudette, whyyyyy? I get it, I’m introverted and love a good night in, but I’m also on the site cause I want to do more than watch Netflix, sit on the couch, play video games, or take naps. Like I want to do stuff and make memories. And I can’t come into this friendship knowing that you’re awkward in conversations, would rather spend 25/8 playing video games, and you don’t like my energy. Like no. Well you know maybe there are apps for pen pals, but this ain’t it.
10. Your dog wasn’t that cute.
I know that secretly most people post pictures of their pets because most of us on these sites likes animals more than humans… I mean come on. So you gotta make sure that your pup, doggo, kitten, or baby lama is the cutest living thing ever. If not, I gotta swipe left. Real talk, guys, I’ve literally swipe right on people just for the chance to meet there pets and it works. Animals never let you down.
Long story short, online dating is not the fix to find love, but it makes for some interesting stories and unforgettable adventures. I hide my profile often because it’s so distracting, but it’s so cool realizing how many strangers exist that we never cross paths with. My advice go get involved in something outside your house and try your luck by meeting some cutie in real life.